Spiritual Sex

Beyond the physical pleasure,

The song of spiritual sex is sung in the heavens above

Simultaneously reverberating through the below.

Your touch, your kiss, your energy.. intermingling with my own.

Our energies fuzing into one.

Pushing us closer to enlightenment with every breath and every drop of sweat.

The scent of us lingering in the air for all to mimic.

Firework Feels

Fireworks are unpredictable.

They are beautiful and captivating but awfully terrifying.

The only scary thing is not knowing what will happen next. Will they fizzle in the blink of an eye or will they cascade seamlessly into oblivion?

One thing is for sure,

they will have a beginning and an ending.

Limbo is only so long.

“Relationships are organic. They live and die when they need to.”

I feel the end creeping up on me.

just what I’ve been thinking

I never thought I’d have such a beautiful person enter my life.

I’m so thankful and grateful for the joy your presence has brought me. I appreciate you. You have helped me appreciate myself, too.

I remember when we first met. It was so damn easy to be around you. Your energy felt so much like mine at the time, even today.

I noticed how beautiful you are. Your voice was the first thing that made me melt.

You are liquid gold, inside and out. I wanted more of that, more of you.

But I’m not really allowed to experience you fully anymore. I’m achingly sad because I want to show you all of the care and love I can possibly muster and I don’t know how to do that anymore. I would let my candle melt trying to ignite your wick, wet with cement. I want to tend to you, but I want you to tend to me too. Emotionally, spiritually, physically.

I need you to try a little harder to heal yourself. I want you to be happy, healthy, and just joyful again. I fucking love you and it shouldn’t hurt to love someone this much, but at times it does.

But it’s the most beautiful ache I’ve ever felt.

I’m still trying. I’m pushing my roots further in and making my way to a higher energetic vibration. I need you to come with me because I can’t live without you.

And maybe I’m asking for too much, but I want you. I need to know you want me too.

Extra feels

What to do with all these feelings and anxieties.. but to listen.

Why is it that whenever I find myself in a committed relationship, my mind goes deeper, further off into space where I must go running after it. My mind creates fantasies, illusions, and stories that are far from where I started.

I shared an intimate relationship with a man for 4 years, during which time I fell into some pretty dark self destructive tendencies, including submerging myself into my unconscious that was merely filled with fantasies. These fantasies were – and still are – sexual and romantic in nature.

When I was with him, I always thought of others. I thought of other men, other women. I wondered what it would be like if I was experiencing them and not him. An escape of sorts, but maybe I wasn’t escaping him and I was just trying to escape myself.

Here I am, years later..

over a year into my current relationship, with a female who I absolutely adore. She’s shown me so much of myself that I hadn’t realized was there. She has helped me work through past trauma, simply by being patiently by my side. I love her more than I can fully comprehend, yet I’m still faced with these same challenges.

My mind is filled with fantasies and they are so beautiful, I want to chase them but I know I won’t end up anywhere golden. I’ll just isolate myself and force myself into numbness.

People are endlessly fascinating and I just want to give everyone love because everyone has been hurt by someone or something and I don’t like that kind of injustice being so latent in our world.

So.. what do I do?

I’m back again, to a place where I am all too familiar and what’s worse..

I’m comfortable here.

I just want to stay hidden in the realm of my mind, where no one can see what I’m feeling or how my actions are motivated by these misguided attractions.

I don’t understand anything.

Regarding loss

 At the end of my last relationship I was consumed by grief in all its stages I lost.. something, 

but it wasn’t him.

Rather, I had lost myself in the process of loving him 

I had poured all of my strength into him, into us 

All I wanted was to make him happy
My needs were tucked away, folded neatly beside my desires..

 resting in the back of my closet 

Dreams greeted me by the front door, gently hanging off of our coat rack,

while yours were at the forefront of our life together

All I wanted to do was make you happy

I tried to hold onto “us” 

I held on tight like a child making my way across a set of monkey bars, 

desperately longing to place both feet on the other side.

my grip was solid, but my arms could not support my weight 
loving you had made me weak
You were always three bars ahead of me, 

racing against my illusions of “us” 

We were too busy patching up deep wounds with Band-Aids and plastering masks on our faces to realize we couldn’t recognize ourselves anymore.

We were at an impasse

I could no longer see the back of your head, 

You had vanished

When I reached for the next rung, there was none

I would seek comfort from the ground below, but all it did was taunt me for my failures 

“You are not strong enough”

I was afraid it was right

I was afraid I would never heal
when I realized I was all I had left, 

I finally allowed myself to let go  
When I took the fall, I was afraid, 

afraid of breaking unseen parts of me

Afraid of shaking up my internal world 

I was afraid my heart would never feel whole again

Yet..

To my surprise, I did not collapse 

Instead, I landed with grace..in a field of poppies where I could see the milky clouds slow dancing against the clear blue sky 

and now, every time I see your face I am reminded of how easy it is to lose yourself in another person 

Losing you was the first step in finding myself again 

For that I will always be grateful. 

Clarity

The most wonderful part of getting over a break up is shifting focus back to yourself. 

I was giving too much of myself to keep something that had vanished long ago. I don’t blame him and I don’t blame myself, either. I have learned so much from my past relationship and I genuinely wish him well. 

If I don’t take care of myself, who will? 

I will gladly carry my own baggage to the dumpster. 

I’m slowly, steadily learning to love myself with every fiber of my being. I miss the love and kindness I once had for myself. I am digging out all the weeds and planting the proper seeds within. 

Against the current

The mind is a beautiful, fruitful garden.
Every thought that grows within is unique.
I genuinely enjoy the way my thoughts flow.

My emotions tend to get the best of me,
leaving me with irrational thoughts.
I always feel so torn.
I feel completely numb, yet I feel it all.
I don’t know what I need,
I don’t even know what I think I want.

I want to help others.
I want to make an even greater impact on people than I already have.
I don’t want to neglect myself while attempting to care for someone else.
I am unlearning negative thought patterns, but they are so tempting to follow.