At the end of my last relationship I was consumed by grief in all its stages I lost.. something,
but it wasn’t him.
Rather, I had lost myself in the process of loving him
I had poured all of my strength into him, into us
All I wanted was to make him happy
My needs were tucked away, folded neatly beside my desires..
resting in the back of my closet
Dreams greeted me by the front door, gently hanging off of our coat rack,
while yours were at the forefront of our life together
All I wanted to do was make you happy
I tried to hold onto “us”
I held on tight like a child making my way across a set of monkey bars,
desperately longing to place both feet on the other side.
my grip was solid, but my arms could not support my weight
loving you had made me weak
You were always three bars ahead of me,
racing against my illusions of “us”
We were too busy patching up deep wounds with Band-Aids and plastering masks on our faces to realize we couldn’t recognize ourselves anymore.
We were at an impasse
I could no longer see the back of your head,
You had vanished
When I reached for the next rung, there was none
I would seek comfort from the ground below, but all it did was taunt me for my failures
“You are not strong enough”
I was afraid it was right
I was afraid I would never heal
when I realized I was all I had left,
I finally allowed myself to let go
When I took the fall, I was afraid,
afraid of breaking unseen parts of me
Afraid of shaking up my internal world
I was afraid my heart would never feel whole again
To my surprise, I did not collapse
Instead, I landed with grace..in a field of poppies where I could see the milky clouds slow dancing against the clear blue sky
and now, every time I see your face I am reminded of how easy it is to lose yourself in another person
Losing you was the first step in finding myself again
For that I will always be grateful.