Instead of studying..

I just need to write.

I need to let things out.. I need to let things go.
I have been so stuck in my head about everything that’s been happening in my life that the weight my back is carrying has me feeling like I’m breaking down and falling apart.
I’ve been so depressed, anxious, and fearful.
I’m insecure and afraid.
I don’t know how to handle my own emotions right now.

Fortunately, I was able to get a prescription for Prozac today.
My school offers a free health clinic to students which I take advantage of greatly.
The health clinic on campus requires students to arrive fifteen minutes prior to their appointment, which I was attempting to respect when I arrived at the time my appointment was set. I didn’t arrive early. That seems like a very minor thing, but it caused a mass of anxiety to churn my insides into shit.

I took my first 10mg of Prozac about an hour ago and I feel the same.
I know it’s not supposed to work like magic, but why can’t it?
I’m so tired of feeling so hopelessly blue. I am on the verge of tears every day, my moods ranging from kinda sad (I can still be logical and reasonable at those times) to overwhelming sadness (occasional bouts of sobbing with illogical, unhealthy thought patterns that I feel incapable of escaping).

Being full of all of these bullshit emotions make it extremely difficult to focus on anything or get anything done.
I’ve had it in my mind that I would spend some time journaling/writing on my blog and having healthy time with myself for the past two weeks, but I feel unmotivated. I feel incapable of simply picking up a pen and letting all of my pain pour out to paper.

I am just so goddamn overwhelmed.
My stress levels are killer right now.
My body is in so much physical pain, every day feels like torture.
I am endlessly miserable.

It’s hard to focus, like I said.. which really sucks, considering this is my first term back at community college since I failed my last term over a year and a half ago. I want to do better this term. I just feel like I’m set up to fail again.. over and over again.. the cycle needs to stop, but how?

My boyfriend and I broke up.
I’m grieving the loss of our 3.5 year relationship.
It’s fucking difficult, considering we see each other every day.
We live together, we share a room, and occasionally share a bed.
I might still be in denial about it all. I only say that because I find it incredibly painful and difficult to talk about it with anyone. The only person I really talk to about it is him.
I’ve told my sister, my best friend, and a few other acquaintances.. but for the most part, I feel rather alone in this suffering. I know he’s suffering too, but I just don’t know what to do. I can’t stop thinking about him. I’m always thinking about him.
I want to move forward, because that’s what he’s doing. That’s what he wants. He wants to move forward with his life, on his own.
I could have scorched the entire planet with my desire for him. I could have done so much to keep him, to show him he means so much to me.
But none of that matters now.
What’s done is done.
We have hurt each other plenty and THIS is the cycle we have chosen to end, but I would have endured it until the end of time.

I know I just need time to reflect on my past relationships, past hurts, and my relationship with myself.
I need to focus on myself and how I can truly be my best self.
I just wish he could see that we can do that while still being together.
This is what’s best for us both.

My study skills suck.
They are nonexistent.
I am full of sadness and resentment and fear of the unknown.

I am glad I’m starting antidepressants again, I need help.

Yesterday I skipped two of my classes.
I slept in and missed the first one.
I was five minutes late to my psych class and it really messed me up.
I was feeling so much anxiety. We had an in-class assignment worth 2-3 points that I felt an overwhelming amount of anxiety over, causing me to stay frozen in my seat–assignment in hand, when my instructor asked if everyone’s papers got turned in.

I lost 2 bonus points because of my anxiety.
I’m not doing great in my psych class, the concepts aren’t too difficult to grasp but I have a hard time focusing on my studies when my personal life is literal garbage.

I guess it’s just one step at a time.
Hike after hike.
I can’t wait to get to the top of the mountain.
Climbing’s a bitch.


2 thoughts on “Instead of studying..

  1. Hello my dear. Just felt like I should say that, as an anonymous ear, I am here for you. I hope you know you are never alone, even when it feels like it. I grieve with you for your relationship, and the struggles of school. We’ve all been there. You will get through this. You are strong. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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