I’m constantly on the verge of tears and I feel like I’m dying.
I have this thirty pound snake coiled up on my back, making it impossible to get up and out of bed. If I do manage to move, the boa engages its muscles to wrap itself around me and my lungs feel so tight that they might collapse. I feel this way every day. Seeing the mess in my house doesn’t help, because I don’t feel like I can help. I have no energy to muster. I can only drone out in front of my computer bingeing on shows that make me feel sad. Everything makes me feel sad. I feel hopeless and miserable inside. I haven’t even been enjoying food lately. I’m wasting money ordering delivery, yet again. Every day. At least once a day. $15-20, gone. I can take care of myself, I just do it slowly as I build up the courage to fight the snake. It has a pretty tough grip, I don’t feel strong enough. I’m not strong enough. I’m not good enough. I’m just not enough.. and that’s probably why my boyfriend doesn’t want to live together anymore. He says we are going through a rough patch, but I guess I don’t see it. All I see is the weight of my depression killing our relationship. I try to save the only energy I have to make him happy, do small things that I can to keep him content so he won’t leave. But that’s not enough, it never will be.
It’s not that I’m not trying, because I am. I’m trying so hard I feel like I’m dying and I’m grasping for something that I can’t reach. Everything is so far out of reach.
Everything is so far and I can barely get out of bed.
I leave my house only when I drop my boyfriend off at work or pick him up from work and it’s not enough. I am confined to these walls, but not the walls of our bedroom or our house. I am confining myself within my own mind.
He tells me he isn’t depressed anymore or that he’s coming out of depression, and I’m happy for him that he’s able to get things done, but I’m miserable because I can’t help but think he’s going to leave me now that he’s doing better. What place do I hold in a sane, normal-tempered persons life? I am a placeholder while he gets his act together. I am temporary. I am replaceable. I will see him one day, lover by his side, and she will be beautiful. She will be much more beautiful than I. She will compliment him better than I ever could. She will be everything he’s ever dreamed of, and she will be real. They will accomplish so much together, she’ll help him get over his fear of flying and they will travel the world together- while I’m still trying to get out of my bed, my prison, my mind. I want to be this woman, I want to be this lover to him. I just feel like I can’t. I feel like I’m not good enough to be anything more than a girl trying to wrestle a boa.