Another day in the void

I feel so self absorbed I am marinating in my feelings of depression and desperation 

I can’t even describe how I feel. 

I wake up and think, “I need to clean and organize and it would benefit everyone. I will clean and Daniel will come home and feel less tense when he’s home because it’s not as messy and we have a neat place, because I would have spent all day cleaning.. unpacking, storing, organizing, washing dishes, making the bed, taking a shower, shaving, putting on fresh new clothes, bathing the cats, making dinner, serving dinner as soon as Daniel gets home from work- whether I pick him up or he walks through the door and smells a home cooked meal and he’ll feel like his long day at work is worth it when he comes home and I’m home and home looks and feels nice and I look nice for once, and home is not somewhere he’d rather not be. Maybe it’s not the mess, maybe it’s me.” But that never ACTUALLY happens. I never get up to keep the house tidy and I never get up to take a shower. I online order a 1/4lb polish hot dog with a small side of chili fries, first meal of the day at noon, not long after I recently opened my eyes and my mind is already spinning out of control and I lack control so I eat something that doesn’t even sound appealing to me when I’m not even hungry and then I’m out $15, but filled with disgust. I force myself out of bed to take a piss, I force myself to feed the cats when their hungry eyes pierce the sadness in my soul and their cries for food give my body strength to pour food into their bowls, but my strength dissipates quickly as I watch them swallow the dry kibbles. 

For eight days now I have not gone to work, because I no longer work anywhere. I’ve relocated and I’ve already found myself incapable of doing anything for myself. 

Maybe I don’t give myself enough credit for the things I do, but I feel like the things that are most important in my mind, I can’t even begin to accomplish. I don’t feel like I can do anything. I feel useless and hopeless and that feeling never goes away. My body still feels sick, but my mind feels much worse. 

My body is fighting this cold, but my mind is losing every battle. 

I can’t even enjoy a vacation, nothing ever feels like a vacation when all the stress and worry in my life clings to my insides like superglue. 

I can’t even enjoy the first week of living with the love of my life again after ten month of living apart. I worry I’ll never be enough. I worry I am a bad girlfriend. I worry I am not wanted, loved, or attractive. 

Yet these feelings of doubt and concern are completely unwarranted, because I am the only one feeding this destructive monster in my mind. I crave my lover’s soft and gentle words of affirmation and reassurance when all I hear is the sound of television pouring into his ears and his mind is chasing after a different void. Why must I burden him after a long day at work, where he’s had to wear a mask over his depression and anxiety just so he can afford to finance our new life together? Why must I constantly berate him for attention because I feel insecure? Why do I feel like his words of my self worth and body image matter more than mine do? Why must I always seek approval from him when I don’t feel approval from myself? Fuck. 

I’ve been laying in bed for four hours and I hate myself.  

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