Deep heavy sigh. I don’t even know where to start.
I really do miss writing, but I feel so worn down by depression and anxiety that I don’t feel motivation or drive to simply open up my WordPress app, let alone dive into the bottomless pit of my tortured soul.
I feel so many things. So, so, so many emotions. So many negative, fucked up feelings that sink their rotted teeth into the tender lining of my belly. It’s as if my body has become infected with the worst disease mankind could imagine– yet it is much worse. It is real. This sickness is rooted in the mind and it conquers the deepest crevices of my existence. There is no telling where I begin and depression ends. Depression never ends. It has engulfed my essence and has spat out a deeply troubled version of who I once was, who I could still be if not for the leeches that feed off my inner light.
Anxiety is much kinder. I can taste it, I can sense its presence. It is a cycle that has momentary lapses of control. It is always there, always over analyzing every situation I enter and waiting for the perfect moment to take over. Lingering doubts lay on the bed of my tongue and when they awaken, my throat is glued shut and my voice is null. All I can do is sit and wait for my strength to return. I am in a vast sea of guilt and despair, struggling to stay afloat. I feel the cycle washing over me like the bitter waves crashing against my flailing body. I close my eyes and let the icy water pull me under, hoping for a safe return to shore.
I sink slowly, further, deeper into the cold abyss- until warmth tenderly flows from my chest and casts a shield of protection over my being. I pry my eyelids open. Still catching my breath. I am gazing into a set of two oceanic eyes. Waves ebbing, not crashing. Rays of sunshine pouring over the darkest parts of the freezing salt water, and I am not afraid anymore. Your voice trickles it’s way down my throat and brightens the radiance once lost.
“You are safe, my love.”
“I am here.”
And I am home.