“Maybe you aren’t ready to be in a committed relationship.” – M. Solomon
I went to see a personal counselor on my school campus, and it was pretty immersive.
Not in the sense of like, immersion therapy.
In fact, I’m not even sure what that means.
I just mean that I learned a lot about myself.
It felt good to let it out.
I didn’t even know that I was like this.
I guess she’s right. I’m the one who brought that up, it must be true.
I haven’t been able to commit to anything.
I feel like a piece of shit.
Three years down the road, and I realize I have commitment issues?
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Why do I fall in love with every person that gazes into my eyes for longer than two seconds?
Why do I hurt everyone I meet?
Why am I such a horrible person?
What is the point of being alive?
Why do I imagine a fantasy world full of potential lovers when I have a great one that sleeps in the same bed as me every night?
Why can’t I be grateful and appreciate his unconditional love, support, and comfort?
Why do I have to seek something out that could only ever be temporary?
Why can’t I commit to such a wonderful, loving man?
He doesn’t deserve this.
He deserves to be with someone who looks at him with the same gaze he gives me.
He deserves someone who appreciates him and all of his faults.
Not someone who constantly replays them in their head.
I want him to be happy and I feel like I’ve only ever made him feel miserable.
If you love something, let it go, right?
I can’t do that.